Who's hiring who?

About 99% of Literary Agents don't have a clue.  We send them our carefully crafted queries, hoping that they will take mercy upon our writing souls, and grant us representation.

Phooey! 

The Literary Agent is OUR employee, not the other way around.  When I'm looking for an agent, I'm looking for someone who is going to represent ME.  I'm not representing THEM.  That means that I am the one doing the interview.  If an agent passes that interview, then I will hire them.  My query letter isn't meant to tell them that I'm willing to kiss their ass from here to San Antonio; it's a letter inviting them to apply for employment by ME.

Think I've got it wrong?  Think that this is the reason I've not been granted representation by one of those arrogant assholes?

Actually, in the past twelve years, I've had three literary agents who have told me that they would accept me.

Hold the boat, Herman.  Let me ask a few questions first.

I asked the first one (who, believe it or not, shall remain nameless because she might be able to identify me based on the following conversation), "What exactly are you going to do to get me published?"

She said, in almost a monotone, that she would shop my manuscript to her contact list.  She went on to explain that she had contacts with about two dozen publishers, both large and small. 

"What if it doesn't sell?" I asked.

It took a moment for her to gather her thoughts.  She told me that if none of her contacts would take the manuscript, then there was nothing more than she could do.

I thanked her for her time and declined representation.

You would have thought that I'd just spit on the Pope!

HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT?  DON'T YOU WANT TO BE REPRESENTED BY ME?  ARE YOU REALLY TURNING ME DOWN?

See, as my employee, I want someone who's going to bust their ass to find me a publisher.  I don't want someone who's going to "shop the manuscript" to 24 publishers and call it quits.  I want someone who believes in my work enough that not only is she going to shop it to those 24, but she's going to use every ounce of her sales skills (I hope to hell she has some) to get one of them to buy it.  If none of the 24 want it, then it's time to find some new contacts and push to get it in their hands.

If you're going to give up after 24, then find someone else to represent.  I want someone who won't quit because she believes in my manuscript as much as I do.

Agent number two offered to represent me.  I didn't like his response to the question much more than I liked her's.  He said he would sent it to every publishing house he could find.

Sort of like throwing enough cow shit against the wall and seeing how much of it stuck.

Moving on to the third one.  She said that she would work to find a publisher.  She would keep me updated on who she had sent to and who had rejected it.  Anytime I wanted to cancel her services, she would like a 30 day notice.  She would not put a number on the amount of time or the amount of houses

So far, so good.

I asked how many writers she represented.  I'm not sure if she was trying to impress me or what, but she said that at present, she had about 75 writers on her list.  I asked if she had any other agents working for her and she said she had two office assistants, but that was it.

I asked her if I could email any of those she represented.  She declined.

Again, I thanked her and moved on.

I figured that with that many authors under her wing, I would be like a new toy to her.  She'd play with me for a while and I'd be her favorite toy till a new one came along.  Then I'd be pushed to second, and then third, and before you know it, all that personalized attention she was promising would be yesterday's garbage. 

Of course, I've had offers from other agents as well.  One wanted $600 up front so that she could have my manuscript professionally edited.  Another said that he would charge me $1000 for upfront costs.  I'm not sure what those upfront costs were because I suggested he have intimate relationships with small farm animals before I hung up on him.

One of these days I'll find someone who not only wants to represent me, but REALLY wants to represent me and will treat our impending relationship the way it should be.