Watch your step. You might step in some bullshit.
Today's entry will take a look at an agency that caters to the Christian Market. They're looking for inspirational books that will make a difference. They are the MacGregor Agency.
I'm not sure if they read the same Bible that I do, but mine says that I shouldn't ought to "bear false witness against (my) neighbor." To make it a little more palpable: DON'T LIE!
To read their website, you'd think that when Jesus returns to Earth, He will visit them first and give them an award for getting potential bestsellers into the hands of publishers. Mr. MacGregor claims that just one of his agents managed to place 30 books last year! That's remarkable!
Now I've mentioned this agency elsewhere in the blog, but I just now got a chance to really investigate their company.
They're the agency that CLAIM to have one agent with 30 manuscripts sold last year, yet can't afford the staff to reply to email queries. If they can't afford the staff, then either they DIDN'T sell those 30 manuscripts, or they sold each one for about a buck and a half each.
Looking a little further on their site, I came across this:
MacGregor Literary works primarily with established authors. At this
time we are not looking to add unpublished authors except through
conferences and referrals from current clients.
Regretfully, we cannot invest in the staffing needed to handle the
vast number of unsolicited queries and proposals that have begun
flooding in. For that reason we will no longer return unsolicited
manuscripts sent to us, even if a self-addressed stamped envelope is
included.
Holy fucking cow, you cheap ass motherfuckers! Not only are you rude, you're also un-fucking-believably LAZY! Who in the Wide World of Sports could possibly want a group like this to represent them? I mean, here we have a whole bevy of agents claiming to help their clients, just as long as the client has done the hard work of becoming published FIRST! Then they have the unmitigated gall to tell us that if they don't like our query, they're not going to answer. NOT EVEN IF WE INCLUDE A SASE!
These assholes are so stuck on themselves that they can't even bother to use a self addressed stamped envelope to reply to potential authors.
I read the Bible too. Mine says that I should treat people as I want to be treated. I guess that means that the MacGregor Agency wants people to treat them as pondscum.
Your wish is my command. Take your agency and shove it up your ass.
Showing posts with label agents who don't respond. Show all posts
Showing posts with label agents who don't respond. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Class assignment
In one of the classes I teach, we were talking about Literary Agents and how they work (or don't work as the case may be). I came up with a couple of assignments for the class.
We took the new edition of Guide to Literary Agents and divided it up. Anyone who is listed in there with guidelines for submitting via email (I didn't want it to cost my students anything). I had them write a fake query letter based on either a famous work of fiction (I won't tell you which one, but it's one that would SELL).
Over the next week or so, we're going to be sending this fake query to every agent in that book that purports to represent fiction. By the time the semester is over (about three months), we should have either requests for more or rejections, or, as I suspect from most, complete and utter rudeness because they DIDN't reply or even acknowledge receipt of the query.
We'll keep you posted on the lazy fuckers who shouldn't be allowed to represent dog shit, let alone manuscripts.
Stay tuned.
We took the new edition of Guide to Literary Agents and divided it up. Anyone who is listed in there with guidelines for submitting via email (I didn't want it to cost my students anything). I had them write a fake query letter based on either a famous work of fiction (I won't tell you which one, but it's one that would SELL).
Over the next week or so, we're going to be sending this fake query to every agent in that book that purports to represent fiction. By the time the semester is over (about three months), we should have either requests for more or rejections, or, as I suspect from most, complete and utter rudeness because they DIDN't reply or even acknowledge receipt of the query.
We'll keep you posted on the lazy fuckers who shouldn't be allowed to represent dog shit, let alone manuscripts.
Stay tuned.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Respect Runs Both Ways
Barbara Bova was a literary agent who began her own agency in 1974. She passed away a couple years ago, but her agency remains open, run by a husband, a son, and a couple other never-will-bes.
They really don't want to represent anyone any more. At least, that's my best guess.
If you go to their webpage, it looks like it was designed by a kindergartner. I'm guessing that the kindergartner had to go in and plug in the computer for them, turn it on, and show them how to use the email feature.
If you want to submit a query to them, this is how to do it:
To submit to The Barbara Bova Literary Agency:
Via e-mail:
Query through the website using only this link.
The link did NOT carry over to here when I pasted it. That's fine because I'm not sure it goes anywhere. See, I did click it and when my email program brought up a blank email to send, I noticed the address to which it was headed (or not).
Slushpile@yahoo.com
Isn't that just so nice! I'm not sure if they every check their "slushpile." Perhaps it's a throw away address so that they don't have to even check it. Just let the email queries accumulate there, and as per the prevailing industry standard of not responding to emails they're not interested in, no one will ever know. I bet they sit in their little office and chuckle about the people who click on the link, send off the carefully crafted query, and hope and pray that someone at the Boobera Bava Agency will be nice enough to respond.
If they DO get email there (like I said, I don't know), they you'd think they'd have a little more respect for their potential clients than to name the inbox SLUSHPILE. That's just downright degrading.
But since they show so much respect to writers, I'm guessing they don't need the business. I don't know.... maybe Barbara left a nice life insurance policy behind so they don't have to work anymore.
Bottom line is this: Like I said in a previous post, I'm the one doing the hiring, not them. Pulling shit like this means you're NEVER going to have the chance to represent me. Not if you were the last cocksucking literary agent on the face of the planet.
Assholes.
They really don't want to represent anyone any more. At least, that's my best guess.
If you go to their webpage, it looks like it was designed by a kindergartner. I'm guessing that the kindergartner had to go in and plug in the computer for them, turn it on, and show them how to use the email feature.
If you want to submit a query to them, this is how to do it:
To submit to The Barbara Bova Literary Agency:
Via e-mail:
Query through the website using only this link.
The link did NOT carry over to here when I pasted it. That's fine because I'm not sure it goes anywhere. See, I did click it and when my email program brought up a blank email to send, I noticed the address to which it was headed (or not).
Slushpile@yahoo.com
Isn't that just so nice! I'm not sure if they every check their "slushpile." Perhaps it's a throw away address so that they don't have to even check it. Just let the email queries accumulate there, and as per the prevailing industry standard of not responding to emails they're not interested in, no one will ever know. I bet they sit in their little office and chuckle about the people who click on the link, send off the carefully crafted query, and hope and pray that someone at the Boobera Bava Agency will be nice enough to respond.
If they DO get email there (like I said, I don't know), they you'd think they'd have a little more respect for their potential clients than to name the inbox SLUSHPILE. That's just downright degrading.
But since they show so much respect to writers, I'm guessing they don't need the business. I don't know.... maybe Barbara left a nice life insurance policy behind so they don't have to work anymore.
Bottom line is this: Like I said in a previous post, I'm the one doing the hiring, not them. Pulling shit like this means you're NEVER going to have the chance to represent me. Not if you were the last cocksucking literary agent on the face of the planet.
Assholes.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Who's hiring who?
About 99% of Literary Agents don't have a clue. We send them our carefully crafted queries, hoping that they will take mercy upon our writing souls, and grant us representation.
Phooey!
The Literary Agent is OUR employee, not the other way around. When I'm looking for an agent, I'm looking for someone who is going to represent ME. I'm not representing THEM. That means that I am the one doing the interview. If an agent passes that interview, then I will hire them. My query letter isn't meant to tell them that I'm willing to kiss their ass from here to San Antonio; it's a letter inviting them to apply for employment by ME.
Think I've got it wrong? Think that this is the reason I've not been granted representation by one of those arrogant assholes?
Actually, in the past twelve years, I've had three literary agents who have told me that they would accept me.
Hold the boat, Herman. Let me ask a few questions first.
I asked the first one (who, believe it or not, shall remain nameless because she might be able to identify me based on the following conversation), "What exactly are you going to do to get me published?"
She said, in almost a monotone, that she would shop my manuscript to her contact list. She went on to explain that she had contacts with about two dozen publishers, both large and small.
"What if it doesn't sell?" I asked.
It took a moment for her to gather her thoughts. She told me that if none of her contacts would take the manuscript, then there was nothing more than she could do.
I thanked her for her time and declined representation.
You would have thought that I'd just spit on the Pope!
HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT? DON'T YOU WANT TO BE REPRESENTED BY ME? ARE YOU REALLY TURNING ME DOWN?
See, as my employee, I want someone who's going to bust their ass to find me a publisher. I don't want someone who's going to "shop the manuscript" to 24 publishers and call it quits. I want someone who believes in my work enough that not only is she going to shop it to those 24, but she's going to use every ounce of her sales skills (I hope to hell she has some) to get one of them to buy it. If none of the 24 want it, then it's time to find some new contacts and push to get it in their hands.
If you're going to give up after 24, then find someone else to represent. I want someone who won't quit because she believes in my manuscript as much as I do.
Agent number two offered to represent me. I didn't like his response to the question much more than I liked her's. He said he would sent it to every publishing house he could find.
Sort of like throwing enough cow shit against the wall and seeing how much of it stuck.
Moving on to the third one. She said that she would work to find a publisher. She would keep me updated on who she had sent to and who had rejected it. Anytime I wanted to cancel her services, she would like a 30 day notice. She would not put a number on the amount of time or the amount of houses
So far, so good.
I asked how many writers she represented. I'm not sure if she was trying to impress me or what, but she said that at present, she had about 75 writers on her list. I asked if she had any other agents working for her and she said she had two office assistants, but that was it.
I asked her if I could email any of those she represented. She declined.
Again, I thanked her and moved on.
I figured that with that many authors under her wing, I would be like a new toy to her. She'd play with me for a while and I'd be her favorite toy till a new one came along. Then I'd be pushed to second, and then third, and before you know it, all that personalized attention she was promising would be yesterday's garbage.
Of course, I've had offers from other agents as well. One wanted $600 up front so that she could have my manuscript professionally edited. Another said that he would charge me $1000 for upfront costs. I'm not sure what those upfront costs were because I suggested he have intimate relationships with small farm animals before I hung up on him.
One of these days I'll find someone who not only wants to represent me, but REALLY wants to represent me and will treat our impending relationship the way it should be.
Phooey!
The Literary Agent is OUR employee, not the other way around. When I'm looking for an agent, I'm looking for someone who is going to represent ME. I'm not representing THEM. That means that I am the one doing the interview. If an agent passes that interview, then I will hire them. My query letter isn't meant to tell them that I'm willing to kiss their ass from here to San Antonio; it's a letter inviting them to apply for employment by ME.
Think I've got it wrong? Think that this is the reason I've not been granted representation by one of those arrogant assholes?
Actually, in the past twelve years, I've had three literary agents who have told me that they would accept me.
Hold the boat, Herman. Let me ask a few questions first.
I asked the first one (who, believe it or not, shall remain nameless because she might be able to identify me based on the following conversation), "What exactly are you going to do to get me published?"
She said, in almost a monotone, that she would shop my manuscript to her contact list. She went on to explain that she had contacts with about two dozen publishers, both large and small.
"What if it doesn't sell?" I asked.
It took a moment for her to gather her thoughts. She told me that if none of her contacts would take the manuscript, then there was nothing more than she could do.
I thanked her for her time and declined representation.
You would have thought that I'd just spit on the Pope!
HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT? DON'T YOU WANT TO BE REPRESENTED BY ME? ARE YOU REALLY TURNING ME DOWN?
See, as my employee, I want someone who's going to bust their ass to find me a publisher. I don't want someone who's going to "shop the manuscript" to 24 publishers and call it quits. I want someone who believes in my work enough that not only is she going to shop it to those 24, but she's going to use every ounce of her sales skills (I hope to hell she has some) to get one of them to buy it. If none of the 24 want it, then it's time to find some new contacts and push to get it in their hands.
If you're going to give up after 24, then find someone else to represent. I want someone who won't quit because she believes in my manuscript as much as I do.
Agent number two offered to represent me. I didn't like his response to the question much more than I liked her's. He said he would sent it to every publishing house he could find.
Sort of like throwing enough cow shit against the wall and seeing how much of it stuck.
Moving on to the third one. She said that she would work to find a publisher. She would keep me updated on who she had sent to and who had rejected it. Anytime I wanted to cancel her services, she would like a 30 day notice. She would not put a number on the amount of time or the amount of houses
So far, so good.
I asked how many writers she represented. I'm not sure if she was trying to impress me or what, but she said that at present, she had about 75 writers on her list. I asked if she had any other agents working for her and she said she had two office assistants, but that was it.
I asked her if I could email any of those she represented. She declined.
Again, I thanked her and moved on.
I figured that with that many authors under her wing, I would be like a new toy to her. She'd play with me for a while and I'd be her favorite toy till a new one came along. Then I'd be pushed to second, and then third, and before you know it, all that personalized attention she was promising would be yesterday's garbage.
Of course, I've had offers from other agents as well. One wanted $600 up front so that she could have my manuscript professionally edited. Another said that he would charge me $1000 for upfront costs. I'm not sure what those upfront costs were because I suggested he have intimate relationships with small farm animals before I hung up on him.
One of these days I'll find someone who not only wants to represent me, but REALLY wants to represent me and will treat our impending relationship the way it should be.
Friday, September 14, 2012
A Couple of Random Thoughts
Today's entry is based on an entry in the new Guide to Literary Agents which I picked up down at Barnes and Noble last week. It goes hand in hand with an earlier post.
It seems the agent (I wish I'd bookmarked the page so I could tell you which one... I'll find it eventually) was explaining WHY they couldn't answer all their email queries. The entry said, "We receive 1000 queries a year."
Well, gee. We've already looked at numbers a whole lot more than that. A thousand queries in a year comes out to just 84 or so a month which works out to LESS THAN FIVE PER DAY! If you don't have time to answer five emails a day, then you're incompetent in the first place.
I teach four classes per semester. I have over 100 students. Since I teach writing, I have A LOT of reading to do. Not only do I read everything that comes across my desk, I RESPOND to each with comments and critiques. Don't try to feed me that line of bullshit that says five a day is too many! I get one assignment back from each of my students about once per week for about 15 weeks. That means I'm grading and critiquing 3000 papers per year (I'm guessing it's actually more than that). I do not have a teaching assistant, nor do I want one. If I was grading things like multiple choice tests or short answer tests, then I'd gladly let a TA handle that.
Am I bitching about it? Not in the least. I enjoy helping young people advance in their writing skills. I enjoy my work. If I didn't, I'd sure as hell find something I did enjoy.
Literary agents should take note.
It's not that the Literary Agents CAN'T respond to all the email queries they get; it's that they DON'T WANT to respond. Big difference.
It seems the agent (I wish I'd bookmarked the page so I could tell you which one... I'll find it eventually) was explaining WHY they couldn't answer all their email queries. The entry said, "We receive 1000 queries a year."
Well, gee. We've already looked at numbers a whole lot more than that. A thousand queries in a year comes out to just 84 or so a month which works out to LESS THAN FIVE PER DAY! If you don't have time to answer five emails a day, then you're incompetent in the first place.
I teach four classes per semester. I have over 100 students. Since I teach writing, I have A LOT of reading to do. Not only do I read everything that comes across my desk, I RESPOND to each with comments and critiques. Don't try to feed me that line of bullshit that says five a day is too many! I get one assignment back from each of my students about once per week for about 15 weeks. That means I'm grading and critiquing 3000 papers per year (I'm guessing it's actually more than that). I do not have a teaching assistant, nor do I want one. If I was grading things like multiple choice tests or short answer tests, then I'd gladly let a TA handle that.
Am I bitching about it? Not in the least. I enjoy helping young people advance in their writing skills. I enjoy my work. If I didn't, I'd sure as hell find something I did enjoy.
Literary agents should take note.
It's not that the Literary Agents CAN'T respond to all the email queries they get; it's that they DON'T WANT to respond. Big difference.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Autocratic, Arrogant, and Rude
There are certain agents who I consider members of the AAR. That's Autocratic, Arrogant, and Rude.
What's that? There's another AAR that has to do with literary agents? Oh.
I'm sure those AAR agents have nothing to do with the one's I'm talking about.
The Autocratic, Arrogant, and Rude agents that I'm referring to are the ones who don't answer queries.
You may have seen their listings. They says stuff like, "Due to the amount of queries we receive, we are not able to respond to each and every one. If we are interested in your work, we'll contact you. If you don't hear from us in six weeks, assume that we are passing."
What autocratic,arrogant, rude fucking assoholes.
When I see an agent with some form of this bullshit spewed in their listing, I can only think there's one reason they can be so rude.
They must not have made enough sales in the past year to hire some kid at ten bucks an hour to reply to email!
I did a little research on this. I called several agencies (14 to be exact) and asked them how many email queries they receive per month. Not a one of them would give me an answer other than "a lot," or "a bunch," One person who answered the phone said, "too many," while another said, "more than I can count."
I tried a different tact. "Would you consider 200 to be a lot?" Not really, was the consensus. How about 300? Five hundred?
All 14 agencies agreed that 500 would be a lot of queries. So, I'm going to use that number to work with here.
If an agency receives 500 queries a month, and you consider there's 20 working days in a month, that means that they get an average of 25 queries per day. If you're a one person agency, that might be a little overwhelming. If you spend two minutes reading each query (because some of them you're not going to get all the way through anyway), that means you're spending about an hour a day doing nothing but reading queries.
What the hell are you doing the other seven hours?
Oh yeah, working with clients, trying to sell to publishers, and all that other agent stuff.
So do you just leave those 25 hanging?
No. After you read the email, you've got to do something with it, right? If you don't want to represent the writer, then you hit the delete button. Actually, you probably click the garbage can.
Why not do what I do? Instead of clicking the garbage, I click another folder that I've put on the desktop and the unwanted email goes in there.
Then this kid that you hire at ten bucks an hour comes in once a day, goes to that folder, and pastes a form letter reply to the writer. If you really want to get fancy, you can leave blanks in the form reply for the name of the potential author, the name of the manuscript. If you do nothing but cut, paste, and send, it should take the kid less than an hour to get through the folder of 25 rejections. Two hours at the very most. Plan on three.
Ten bucks an hour for easy work is $30 a day. That's $150 a week or $600 a month. That means over a year, you're spending $7200 to keep yourself from looking like a complete asshole who doesn't answer their email.
I'll bet you spent more than $30 the last time you went out to eat and all it did was make your ass a little bigger.
"SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS!" I hear some agents screaming. That means you have to make one $50,000 deal to pay for the kid. And if you didn't do that much, then either you need to be answering the email yourself, or finding another profession.
I ran across a listing the other day for McGregor Literary Agency and they were boasting about how they had sold 30 titles in the past year. Thirty books ain't bad, McGee, er ah, McGregor! Then they go on a little later in the listing to espouse the same bullshit as above: Sorry... we can't afford to hire the staff (they actually said that!!!) to respond to every email query we get.
So make up my mind. Did you sell 30 titles or not? Did you get any kind of advance on any of them? If you're selling that much (I should emphasize the word IF), then you can afford some broke college kid who would be overjoyed at the chance to earn $150 a week.
And if you can't, then I wouldn't want you as an agent anyway.
What's that? There's another AAR that has to do with literary agents? Oh.
I'm sure those AAR agents have nothing to do with the one's I'm talking about.
The Autocratic, Arrogant, and Rude agents that I'm referring to are the ones who don't answer queries.
You may have seen their listings. They says stuff like, "Due to the amount of queries we receive, we are not able to respond to each and every one. If we are interested in your work, we'll contact you. If you don't hear from us in six weeks, assume that we are passing."
What autocratic,arrogant, rude fucking assoholes.
When I see an agent with some form of this bullshit spewed in their listing, I can only think there's one reason they can be so rude.
They must not have made enough sales in the past year to hire some kid at ten bucks an hour to reply to email!
I did a little research on this. I called several agencies (14 to be exact) and asked them how many email queries they receive per month. Not a one of them would give me an answer other than "a lot," or "a bunch," One person who answered the phone said, "too many," while another said, "more than I can count."
I tried a different tact. "Would you consider 200 to be a lot?" Not really, was the consensus. How about 300? Five hundred?
All 14 agencies agreed that 500 would be a lot of queries. So, I'm going to use that number to work with here.
If an agency receives 500 queries a month, and you consider there's 20 working days in a month, that means that they get an average of 25 queries per day. If you're a one person agency, that might be a little overwhelming. If you spend two minutes reading each query (because some of them you're not going to get all the way through anyway), that means you're spending about an hour a day doing nothing but reading queries.
What the hell are you doing the other seven hours?
Oh yeah, working with clients, trying to sell to publishers, and all that other agent stuff.
So do you just leave those 25 hanging?
No. After you read the email, you've got to do something with it, right? If you don't want to represent the writer, then you hit the delete button. Actually, you probably click the garbage can.
Why not do what I do? Instead of clicking the garbage, I click another folder that I've put on the desktop and the unwanted email goes in there.
Then this kid that you hire at ten bucks an hour comes in once a day, goes to that folder, and pastes a form letter reply to the writer. If you really want to get fancy, you can leave blanks in the form reply for the name of the potential author, the name of the manuscript. If you do nothing but cut, paste, and send, it should take the kid less than an hour to get through the folder of 25 rejections. Two hours at the very most. Plan on three.
Ten bucks an hour for easy work is $30 a day. That's $150 a week or $600 a month. That means over a year, you're spending $7200 to keep yourself from looking like a complete asshole who doesn't answer their email.
I'll bet you spent more than $30 the last time you went out to eat and all it did was make your ass a little bigger.
"SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS!" I hear some agents screaming. That means you have to make one $50,000 deal to pay for the kid. And if you didn't do that much, then either you need to be answering the email yourself, or finding another profession.
I ran across a listing the other day for McGregor Literary Agency and they were boasting about how they had sold 30 titles in the past year. Thirty books ain't bad, McGee, er ah, McGregor! Then they go on a little later in the listing to espouse the same bullshit as above: Sorry... we can't afford to hire the staff (they actually said that!!!) to respond to every email query we get.
So make up my mind. Did you sell 30 titles or not? Did you get any kind of advance on any of them? If you're selling that much (I should emphasize the word IF), then you can afford some broke college kid who would be overjoyed at the chance to earn $150 a week.
And if you can't, then I wouldn't want you as an agent anyway.
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