The Epitome of a Lazy Ass Agent

I was going through the new edition of the 2013 Guide to Literary Agents this afternoon and came across a listing for possibly the laziest agent I've found for a while.

Ashley Grayson Literary Agency has this in the listing (my comments are in color):

"We prefer to work with published (traditional print), established authors. Well La-de-Da!  I prefer people who don't ride around on high horses.  I prefer living in a mansion.  But I put up with what I get.  You should too.  We will give first consideration to authors who come recommended to us by our clients or other publishing professionals.  We accept a very small number of new, previously unpublished authors.  The agency is temporarily closed to queries from writers who are not published at book length (self-published or print on demand do not count). Good.  Go ahead and take a shot at those who have to self publish because some stuck up, agent who prefers to work with PUBLISHED authors is too good to read their manuscript.  There are only three exceptions to this policy:  (1) Unpublished authors who have received an offer from a reputable publisher, who need an agent before beginning contract negotiations Are you kidding me?  We'll still look down our nose at you if you have an offer, but sure, we'll make an exception and represent you.  We'll take an easy 15% for doing fucking NOTHING.  Afterward, you're back to being pondscum and maybe we'll represent you in the future, maybe not (it depends on if you've already gone out and busted your ass to find a publisher or not); (2) Authors who are recommended by a published author, editor or agent who has read the work in question; (3)Authors whom we have met at conferences and from whom we have requested submissions.  Authors who are recognized within their field or area may still query with proposals.  We are seeking more mysteries and thrillers.  We're seeking mysteries and thrillers PROVIDING you show up at our doorstep with your own publisher.... and it can't be one of those damn vanity publishers or print on demand publishers either because they don't count, na-na-na-na boo boo!"

My dad always used to tell me, "You have to be nice to people on your way up the ladder because they're the ones you pass on the way down."  I'll be sure to wave nicely at this agent as she falls by me on that ladder.  Buh-bye!