Students reported today that more than 200 emails have gone out to prospective agents to see who will respond and how.
Updates to follow soon.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Another Assignment for the Class
Things are going well, according to the students, on the email assignment. I believe that more than 400 emails have been sent to potential agents. A few replies have been received already, but we'll cover those all at once.
We will be setting up a HALL OF SHAME for agents who are too busy to reply to email queries. We'll allow agents EIGHT WEEKS to respond before they make the list. Anyone who responds after being inducted into the HALL will be removed, but will receive a special induction into the Procrastinator's Wing of the Hall.
Meanwhile, I sent my class out on a little bit of an assignment. Here's what I had them do.
1. Go to the Library.
2. Pick out four books, all fiction.
a) one must be from the current NY Times or USA Today bestseller list
b) one must be from their favorite author
c) one must be chosen at random from the shelves
d) one must be chosen at random from the new books shelf (published in the last four months)
3. Photocopy the first page. Look at the first paragraph.
4. For each book, tell me from the first page only, WHY this book got published.
See, in my class, we not only WRITE fiction, we study fiction and publishing as well.
Those assignments are due next week. I'll let you know how the kids did.
We will be setting up a HALL OF SHAME for agents who are too busy to reply to email queries. We'll allow agents EIGHT WEEKS to respond before they make the list. Anyone who responds after being inducted into the HALL will be removed, but will receive a special induction into the Procrastinator's Wing of the Hall.
Meanwhile, I sent my class out on a little bit of an assignment. Here's what I had them do.
1. Go to the Library.
2. Pick out four books, all fiction.
a) one must be from the current NY Times or USA Today bestseller list
b) one must be from their favorite author
c) one must be chosen at random from the shelves
d) one must be chosen at random from the new books shelf (published in the last four months)
3. Photocopy the first page. Look at the first paragraph.
4. For each book, tell me from the first page only, WHY this book got published.
See, in my class, we not only WRITE fiction, we study fiction and publishing as well.
Those assignments are due next week. I'll let you know how the kids did.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
FOREWARD
These posts are here in reverse chronological order. It makes more
sense if you go back to the first one (down there at the bottom of the
page) and work upward. I'm not sure if there's a way to get this blog
to do that or not, but I'm going to try.
Writer's Digest
When I bought the latest copy of Guide to Literary Agents, I removed a scratch off thing from the inside front cover to reveal a code to allow me 12 months access to online updates of the book. I certainly HOPE they update it because, despite the fact that it's been on the bookstore bookshelves less than a month, it's horribly out of date already! Some students have reported that agents listed in there are either out of business, or that the emails they send bounce right back. More on this in later posts.
Back to the access to online updates.
IMMEDIATELY after I signed up for the updates, Writer's Digest, those trolls who publish a monthly magazine dedicated to making people think they're better writers than what they are, and the people who published the Guide (as well as other self help writing books) have absolutely inundated me with advertisements for the shit they sell. Every day, there's at least one new offer, if not two or three. Magazine publishing may not be going so well nowadays, but these fuckheads have found a way to make up for that.
They sell overpriced software that will help you plot a book. They sell books to help you name your characters. They sell webinars that do everything from help you write the fucking book to finding a literary agent to publishing it yourself (once every agent has turned down your drivel). Man, they've covered every base possible!
Today's bullshit is a book by Donald Maass. The ad I got is below.
Mr. Maass is one of those people who doesn't know what he wants to do when he grows up. He's supposedly a prominent literary agent, but he's also one of those who claims to be VERY busy, donchaknow. Evidently, instead of representing authors, he's busy penning books for the Writer's Digest people. He's listed as author of three other books on how to write.
Maybe he should turn the reigns of his agency over to someone who actually cares about the people they represent so he can devote all his time to sloshing out this pigslop for the WD people.
Just a thought.
One of my colleagues here at school used to work for Writer's Digest. He was an evaluator for one of their writing courses. Some day, I'll either tell you his story, or I'll have him do a guest blog on it. For now, let's just say that I hope you haven't spent any of your hard earned money on their course.
Back to the access to online updates.
IMMEDIATELY after I signed up for the updates, Writer's Digest, those trolls who publish a monthly magazine dedicated to making people think they're better writers than what they are, and the people who published the Guide (as well as other self help writing books) have absolutely inundated me with advertisements for the shit they sell. Every day, there's at least one new offer, if not two or three. Magazine publishing may not be going so well nowadays, but these fuckheads have found a way to make up for that.
They sell overpriced software that will help you plot a book. They sell books to help you name your characters. They sell webinars that do everything from help you write the fucking book to finding a literary agent to publishing it yourself (once every agent has turned down your drivel). Man, they've covered every base possible!
Today's bullshit is a book by Donald Maass. The ad I got is below.
Retail: $16.99 Your Price: $10.63 |
Writing 21st Century Fiction Does your novel belong on the best-seller lists with The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins, A Feast for Crows by George R. R. Martin, and Changes by Jim Butcher? With this new book from best-selling author Donald Maass, you'll uncover your authentic writing voice, and put it to use writing high impact fiction. In each chapter, you'll uncover practical tools to use in your writing that will:
|
Maybe he should turn the reigns of his agency over to someone who actually cares about the people they represent so he can devote all his time to sloshing out this pigslop for the WD people.
Just a thought.
One of my colleagues here at school used to work for Writer's Digest. He was an evaluator for one of their writing courses. Some day, I'll either tell you his story, or I'll have him do a guest blog on it. For now, let's just say that I hope you haven't spent any of your hard earned money on their course.
Some thoughts on the assignment
It's been a busy weekend. Sometimes I take time off to be with family and friends and I leave writing and school far behind. It helps to recharge the batteries, so to speak.
A note on the assignment I gave to my students concerning query letters.
Some agents ask for the first ten pages of the novel. Some ask for the first chapter. Some ask for three chapters or 50 pages. What to do, what to do, what to do?
Easy. We took an obscure thriller, published in 1973, changed the names of the characters and used that as our novel. Since it is a published novel, and one that was a New York Times Bestseller, we know it's publishable. We know it's good (we also checked reviews from the time period and for the most part, they were favorable).
I should also tell you this: The kids in the class are absolutely giddy about this assignment. They want to know which agents are assholes as well. As of this afternoon's class, about half of the queries have been sent. We had only a minor glitch with one student who sent out several emails, only to have them stopped by the fine folks at Hotmail who thought he was spamming people. That issue has been resolved and we're off and running.
One interesting note so far. Now I can't tell you the name of the agent (YET) because I'm only relating what the student told me. The student sent off the query letter at 10:30 PM on Saturday night. He had a poorly worded rejection in his inbox at 10:47 the same night. I'm guessing that the agent may have been a little influenced by liquid motivators in making his or her decision. As soon as the student's report comes back in, I'll let you know who it was, and possible post the actual email.
Stay tuned. We're gonna have fun.
A note on the assignment I gave to my students concerning query letters.
Some agents ask for the first ten pages of the novel. Some ask for the first chapter. Some ask for three chapters or 50 pages. What to do, what to do, what to do?
Easy. We took an obscure thriller, published in 1973, changed the names of the characters and used that as our novel. Since it is a published novel, and one that was a New York Times Bestseller, we know it's publishable. We know it's good (we also checked reviews from the time period and for the most part, they were favorable).
I should also tell you this: The kids in the class are absolutely giddy about this assignment. They want to know which agents are assholes as well. As of this afternoon's class, about half of the queries have been sent. We had only a minor glitch with one student who sent out several emails, only to have them stopped by the fine folks at Hotmail who thought he was spamming people. That issue has been resolved and we're off and running.
One interesting note so far. Now I can't tell you the name of the agent (YET) because I'm only relating what the student told me. The student sent off the query letter at 10:30 PM on Saturday night. He had a poorly worded rejection in his inbox at 10:47 the same night. I'm guessing that the agent may have been a little influenced by liquid motivators in making his or her decision. As soon as the student's report comes back in, I'll let you know who it was, and possible post the actual email.
Stay tuned. We're gonna have fun.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
It's Gettin' Deep In Here!
Watch your step. You might step in some bullshit.
Today's entry will take a look at an agency that caters to the Christian Market. They're looking for inspirational books that will make a difference. They are the MacGregor Agency.
I'm not sure if they read the same Bible that I do, but mine says that I shouldn't ought to "bear false witness against (my) neighbor." To make it a little more palpable: DON'T LIE!
To read their website, you'd think that when Jesus returns to Earth, He will visit them first and give them an award for getting potential bestsellers into the hands of publishers. Mr. MacGregor claims that just one of his agents managed to place 30 books last year! That's remarkable!
Now I've mentioned this agency elsewhere in the blog, but I just now got a chance to really investigate their company.
They're the agency that CLAIM to have one agent with 30 manuscripts sold last year, yet can't afford the staff to reply to email queries. If they can't afford the staff, then either they DIDN'T sell those 30 manuscripts, or they sold each one for about a buck and a half each.
Looking a little further on their site, I came across this:
MacGregor Literary works primarily with established authors. At this time we are not looking to add unpublished authors except through conferences and referrals from current clients.
Regretfully, we cannot invest in the staffing needed to handle the vast number of unsolicited queries and proposals that have begun flooding in. For that reason we will no longer return unsolicited manuscripts sent to us, even if a self-addressed stamped envelope is included.
Holy fucking cow, you cheap ass motherfuckers! Not only are you rude, you're also un-fucking-believably LAZY! Who in the Wide World of Sports could possibly want a group like this to represent them? I mean, here we have a whole bevy of agents claiming to help their clients, just as long as the client has done the hard work of becoming published FIRST! Then they have the unmitigated gall to tell us that if they don't like our query, they're not going to answer. NOT EVEN IF WE INCLUDE A SASE!
These assholes are so stuck on themselves that they can't even bother to use a self addressed stamped envelope to reply to potential authors.
I read the Bible too. Mine says that I should treat people as I want to be treated. I guess that means that the MacGregor Agency wants people to treat them as pondscum.
Your wish is my command. Take your agency and shove it up your ass.
Today's entry will take a look at an agency that caters to the Christian Market. They're looking for inspirational books that will make a difference. They are the MacGregor Agency.
I'm not sure if they read the same Bible that I do, but mine says that I shouldn't ought to "bear false witness against (my) neighbor." To make it a little more palpable: DON'T LIE!
To read their website, you'd think that when Jesus returns to Earth, He will visit them first and give them an award for getting potential bestsellers into the hands of publishers. Mr. MacGregor claims that just one of his agents managed to place 30 books last year! That's remarkable!
Now I've mentioned this agency elsewhere in the blog, but I just now got a chance to really investigate their company.
They're the agency that CLAIM to have one agent with 30 manuscripts sold last year, yet can't afford the staff to reply to email queries. If they can't afford the staff, then either they DIDN'T sell those 30 manuscripts, or they sold each one for about a buck and a half each.
Looking a little further on their site, I came across this:
MacGregor Literary works primarily with established authors. At this time we are not looking to add unpublished authors except through conferences and referrals from current clients.
Regretfully, we cannot invest in the staffing needed to handle the vast number of unsolicited queries and proposals that have begun flooding in. For that reason we will no longer return unsolicited manuscripts sent to us, even if a self-addressed stamped envelope is included.
Holy fucking cow, you cheap ass motherfuckers! Not only are you rude, you're also un-fucking-believably LAZY! Who in the Wide World of Sports could possibly want a group like this to represent them? I mean, here we have a whole bevy of agents claiming to help their clients, just as long as the client has done the hard work of becoming published FIRST! Then they have the unmitigated gall to tell us that if they don't like our query, they're not going to answer. NOT EVEN IF WE INCLUDE A SASE!
These assholes are so stuck on themselves that they can't even bother to use a self addressed stamped envelope to reply to potential authors.
I read the Bible too. Mine says that I should treat people as I want to be treated. I guess that means that the MacGregor Agency wants people to treat them as pondscum.
Your wish is my command. Take your agency and shove it up your ass.
Class assignment
In one of the classes I teach, we were talking about Literary Agents and how they work (or don't work as the case may be). I came up with a couple of assignments for the class.
We took the new edition of Guide to Literary Agents and divided it up. Anyone who is listed in there with guidelines for submitting via email (I didn't want it to cost my students anything). I had them write a fake query letter based on either a famous work of fiction (I won't tell you which one, but it's one that would SELL).
Over the next week or so, we're going to be sending this fake query to every agent in that book that purports to represent fiction. By the time the semester is over (about three months), we should have either requests for more or rejections, or, as I suspect from most, complete and utter rudeness because they DIDN't reply or even acknowledge receipt of the query.
We'll keep you posted on the lazy fuckers who shouldn't be allowed to represent dog shit, let alone manuscripts.
Stay tuned.
We took the new edition of Guide to Literary Agents and divided it up. Anyone who is listed in there with guidelines for submitting via email (I didn't want it to cost my students anything). I had them write a fake query letter based on either a famous work of fiction (I won't tell you which one, but it's one that would SELL).
Over the next week or so, we're going to be sending this fake query to every agent in that book that purports to represent fiction. By the time the semester is over (about three months), we should have either requests for more or rejections, or, as I suspect from most, complete and utter rudeness because they DIDN't reply or even acknowledge receipt of the query.
We'll keep you posted on the lazy fuckers who shouldn't be allowed to represent dog shit, let alone manuscripts.
Stay tuned.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Respect Runs Both Ways
Barbara Bova was a literary agent who began her own agency in 1974. She passed away a couple years ago, but her agency remains open, run by a husband, a son, and a couple other never-will-bes.
They really don't want to represent anyone any more. At least, that's my best guess.
If you go to their webpage, it looks like it was designed by a kindergartner. I'm guessing that the kindergartner had to go in and plug in the computer for them, turn it on, and show them how to use the email feature.
If you want to submit a query to them, this is how to do it:
To submit to The Barbara Bova Literary Agency:
Via e-mail:
Query through the website using only this link.
The link did NOT carry over to here when I pasted it. That's fine because I'm not sure it goes anywhere. See, I did click it and when my email program brought up a blank email to send, I noticed the address to which it was headed (or not).
Slushpile@yahoo.com
Isn't that just so nice! I'm not sure if they every check their "slushpile." Perhaps it's a throw away address so that they don't have to even check it. Just let the email queries accumulate there, and as per the prevailing industry standard of not responding to emails they're not interested in, no one will ever know. I bet they sit in their little office and chuckle about the people who click on the link, send off the carefully crafted query, and hope and pray that someone at the Boobera Bava Agency will be nice enough to respond.
If they DO get email there (like I said, I don't know), they you'd think they'd have a little more respect for their potential clients than to name the inbox SLUSHPILE. That's just downright degrading.
But since they show so much respect to writers, I'm guessing they don't need the business. I don't know.... maybe Barbara left a nice life insurance policy behind so they don't have to work anymore.
Bottom line is this: Like I said in a previous post, I'm the one doing the hiring, not them. Pulling shit like this means you're NEVER going to have the chance to represent me. Not if you were the last cocksucking literary agent on the face of the planet.
Assholes.
They really don't want to represent anyone any more. At least, that's my best guess.
If you go to their webpage, it looks like it was designed by a kindergartner. I'm guessing that the kindergartner had to go in and plug in the computer for them, turn it on, and show them how to use the email feature.
If you want to submit a query to them, this is how to do it:
To submit to The Barbara Bova Literary Agency:
Via e-mail:
Query through the website using only this link.
The link did NOT carry over to here when I pasted it. That's fine because I'm not sure it goes anywhere. See, I did click it and when my email program brought up a blank email to send, I noticed the address to which it was headed (or not).
Slushpile@yahoo.com
Isn't that just so nice! I'm not sure if they every check their "slushpile." Perhaps it's a throw away address so that they don't have to even check it. Just let the email queries accumulate there, and as per the prevailing industry standard of not responding to emails they're not interested in, no one will ever know. I bet they sit in their little office and chuckle about the people who click on the link, send off the carefully crafted query, and hope and pray that someone at the Boobera Bava Agency will be nice enough to respond.
If they DO get email there (like I said, I don't know), they you'd think they'd have a little more respect for their potential clients than to name the inbox SLUSHPILE. That's just downright degrading.
But since they show so much respect to writers, I'm guessing they don't need the business. I don't know.... maybe Barbara left a nice life insurance policy behind so they don't have to work anymore.
Bottom line is this: Like I said in a previous post, I'm the one doing the hiring, not them. Pulling shit like this means you're NEVER going to have the chance to represent me. Not if you were the last cocksucking literary agent on the face of the planet.
Assholes.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Who's hiring who?
About 99% of Literary Agents don't have a clue. We send them our carefully crafted queries, hoping that they will take mercy upon our writing souls, and grant us representation.
Phooey!
The Literary Agent is OUR employee, not the other way around. When I'm looking for an agent, I'm looking for someone who is going to represent ME. I'm not representing THEM. That means that I am the one doing the interview. If an agent passes that interview, then I will hire them. My query letter isn't meant to tell them that I'm willing to kiss their ass from here to San Antonio; it's a letter inviting them to apply for employment by ME.
Think I've got it wrong? Think that this is the reason I've not been granted representation by one of those arrogant assholes?
Actually, in the past twelve years, I've had three literary agents who have told me that they would accept me.
Hold the boat, Herman. Let me ask a few questions first.
I asked the first one (who, believe it or not, shall remain nameless because she might be able to identify me based on the following conversation), "What exactly are you going to do to get me published?"
She said, in almost a monotone, that she would shop my manuscript to her contact list. She went on to explain that she had contacts with about two dozen publishers, both large and small.
"What if it doesn't sell?" I asked.
It took a moment for her to gather her thoughts. She told me that if none of her contacts would take the manuscript, then there was nothing more than she could do.
I thanked her for her time and declined representation.
You would have thought that I'd just spit on the Pope!
HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT? DON'T YOU WANT TO BE REPRESENTED BY ME? ARE YOU REALLY TURNING ME DOWN?
See, as my employee, I want someone who's going to bust their ass to find me a publisher. I don't want someone who's going to "shop the manuscript" to 24 publishers and call it quits. I want someone who believes in my work enough that not only is she going to shop it to those 24, but she's going to use every ounce of her sales skills (I hope to hell she has some) to get one of them to buy it. If none of the 24 want it, then it's time to find some new contacts and push to get it in their hands.
If you're going to give up after 24, then find someone else to represent. I want someone who won't quit because she believes in my manuscript as much as I do.
Agent number two offered to represent me. I didn't like his response to the question much more than I liked her's. He said he would sent it to every publishing house he could find.
Sort of like throwing enough cow shit against the wall and seeing how much of it stuck.
Moving on to the third one. She said that she would work to find a publisher. She would keep me updated on who she had sent to and who had rejected it. Anytime I wanted to cancel her services, she would like a 30 day notice. She would not put a number on the amount of time or the amount of houses
So far, so good.
I asked how many writers she represented. I'm not sure if she was trying to impress me or what, but she said that at present, she had about 75 writers on her list. I asked if she had any other agents working for her and she said she had two office assistants, but that was it.
I asked her if I could email any of those she represented. She declined.
Again, I thanked her and moved on.
I figured that with that many authors under her wing, I would be like a new toy to her. She'd play with me for a while and I'd be her favorite toy till a new one came along. Then I'd be pushed to second, and then third, and before you know it, all that personalized attention she was promising would be yesterday's garbage.
Of course, I've had offers from other agents as well. One wanted $600 up front so that she could have my manuscript professionally edited. Another said that he would charge me $1000 for upfront costs. I'm not sure what those upfront costs were because I suggested he have intimate relationships with small farm animals before I hung up on him.
One of these days I'll find someone who not only wants to represent me, but REALLY wants to represent me and will treat our impending relationship the way it should be.
Phooey!
The Literary Agent is OUR employee, not the other way around. When I'm looking for an agent, I'm looking for someone who is going to represent ME. I'm not representing THEM. That means that I am the one doing the interview. If an agent passes that interview, then I will hire them. My query letter isn't meant to tell them that I'm willing to kiss their ass from here to San Antonio; it's a letter inviting them to apply for employment by ME.
Think I've got it wrong? Think that this is the reason I've not been granted representation by one of those arrogant assholes?
Actually, in the past twelve years, I've had three literary agents who have told me that they would accept me.
Hold the boat, Herman. Let me ask a few questions first.
I asked the first one (who, believe it or not, shall remain nameless because she might be able to identify me based on the following conversation), "What exactly are you going to do to get me published?"
She said, in almost a monotone, that she would shop my manuscript to her contact list. She went on to explain that she had contacts with about two dozen publishers, both large and small.
"What if it doesn't sell?" I asked.
It took a moment for her to gather her thoughts. She told me that if none of her contacts would take the manuscript, then there was nothing more than she could do.
I thanked her for her time and declined representation.
You would have thought that I'd just spit on the Pope!
HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT? DON'T YOU WANT TO BE REPRESENTED BY ME? ARE YOU REALLY TURNING ME DOWN?
See, as my employee, I want someone who's going to bust their ass to find me a publisher. I don't want someone who's going to "shop the manuscript" to 24 publishers and call it quits. I want someone who believes in my work enough that not only is she going to shop it to those 24, but she's going to use every ounce of her sales skills (I hope to hell she has some) to get one of them to buy it. If none of the 24 want it, then it's time to find some new contacts and push to get it in their hands.
If you're going to give up after 24, then find someone else to represent. I want someone who won't quit because she believes in my manuscript as much as I do.
Agent number two offered to represent me. I didn't like his response to the question much more than I liked her's. He said he would sent it to every publishing house he could find.
Sort of like throwing enough cow shit against the wall and seeing how much of it stuck.
Moving on to the third one. She said that she would work to find a publisher. She would keep me updated on who she had sent to and who had rejected it. Anytime I wanted to cancel her services, she would like a 30 day notice. She would not put a number on the amount of time or the amount of houses
So far, so good.
I asked how many writers she represented. I'm not sure if she was trying to impress me or what, but she said that at present, she had about 75 writers on her list. I asked if she had any other agents working for her and she said she had two office assistants, but that was it.
I asked her if I could email any of those she represented. She declined.
Again, I thanked her and moved on.
I figured that with that many authors under her wing, I would be like a new toy to her. She'd play with me for a while and I'd be her favorite toy till a new one came along. Then I'd be pushed to second, and then third, and before you know it, all that personalized attention she was promising would be yesterday's garbage.
Of course, I've had offers from other agents as well. One wanted $600 up front so that she could have my manuscript professionally edited. Another said that he would charge me $1000 for upfront costs. I'm not sure what those upfront costs were because I suggested he have intimate relationships with small farm animals before I hung up on him.
One of these days I'll find someone who not only wants to represent me, but REALLY wants to represent me and will treat our impending relationship the way it should be.
Friday, September 14, 2012
A Couple of Random Thoughts
Today's entry is based on an entry in the new Guide to Literary Agents which I picked up down at Barnes and Noble last week. It goes hand in hand with an earlier post.
It seems the agent (I wish I'd bookmarked the page so I could tell you which one... I'll find it eventually) was explaining WHY they couldn't answer all their email queries. The entry said, "We receive 1000 queries a year."
Well, gee. We've already looked at numbers a whole lot more than that. A thousand queries in a year comes out to just 84 or so a month which works out to LESS THAN FIVE PER DAY! If you don't have time to answer five emails a day, then you're incompetent in the first place.
I teach four classes per semester. I have over 100 students. Since I teach writing, I have A LOT of reading to do. Not only do I read everything that comes across my desk, I RESPOND to each with comments and critiques. Don't try to feed me that line of bullshit that says five a day is too many! I get one assignment back from each of my students about once per week for about 15 weeks. That means I'm grading and critiquing 3000 papers per year (I'm guessing it's actually more than that). I do not have a teaching assistant, nor do I want one. If I was grading things like multiple choice tests or short answer tests, then I'd gladly let a TA handle that.
Am I bitching about it? Not in the least. I enjoy helping young people advance in their writing skills. I enjoy my work. If I didn't, I'd sure as hell find something I did enjoy.
Literary agents should take note.
It's not that the Literary Agents CAN'T respond to all the email queries they get; it's that they DON'T WANT to respond. Big difference.
It seems the agent (I wish I'd bookmarked the page so I could tell you which one... I'll find it eventually) was explaining WHY they couldn't answer all their email queries. The entry said, "We receive 1000 queries a year."
Well, gee. We've already looked at numbers a whole lot more than that. A thousand queries in a year comes out to just 84 or so a month which works out to LESS THAN FIVE PER DAY! If you don't have time to answer five emails a day, then you're incompetent in the first place.
I teach four classes per semester. I have over 100 students. Since I teach writing, I have A LOT of reading to do. Not only do I read everything that comes across my desk, I RESPOND to each with comments and critiques. Don't try to feed me that line of bullshit that says five a day is too many! I get one assignment back from each of my students about once per week for about 15 weeks. That means I'm grading and critiquing 3000 papers per year (I'm guessing it's actually more than that). I do not have a teaching assistant, nor do I want one. If I was grading things like multiple choice tests or short answer tests, then I'd gladly let a TA handle that.
Am I bitching about it? Not in the least. I enjoy helping young people advance in their writing skills. I enjoy my work. If I didn't, I'd sure as hell find something I did enjoy.
Literary agents should take note.
It's not that the Literary Agents CAN'T respond to all the email queries they get; it's that they DON'T WANT to respond. Big difference.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Autocratic, Arrogant, and Rude
There are certain agents who I consider members of the AAR. That's Autocratic, Arrogant, and Rude.
What's that? There's another AAR that has to do with literary agents? Oh.
I'm sure those AAR agents have nothing to do with the one's I'm talking about.
The Autocratic, Arrogant, and Rude agents that I'm referring to are the ones who don't answer queries.
You may have seen their listings. They says stuff like, "Due to the amount of queries we receive, we are not able to respond to each and every one. If we are interested in your work, we'll contact you. If you don't hear from us in six weeks, assume that we are passing."
What autocratic,arrogant, rude fucking assoholes.
When I see an agent with some form of this bullshit spewed in their listing, I can only think there's one reason they can be so rude.
They must not have made enough sales in the past year to hire some kid at ten bucks an hour to reply to email!
I did a little research on this. I called several agencies (14 to be exact) and asked them how many email queries they receive per month. Not a one of them would give me an answer other than "a lot," or "a bunch," One person who answered the phone said, "too many," while another said, "more than I can count."
I tried a different tact. "Would you consider 200 to be a lot?" Not really, was the consensus. How about 300? Five hundred?
All 14 agencies agreed that 500 would be a lot of queries. So, I'm going to use that number to work with here.
If an agency receives 500 queries a month, and you consider there's 20 working days in a month, that means that they get an average of 25 queries per day. If you're a one person agency, that might be a little overwhelming. If you spend two minutes reading each query (because some of them you're not going to get all the way through anyway), that means you're spending about an hour a day doing nothing but reading queries.
What the hell are you doing the other seven hours?
Oh yeah, working with clients, trying to sell to publishers, and all that other agent stuff.
So do you just leave those 25 hanging?
No. After you read the email, you've got to do something with it, right? If you don't want to represent the writer, then you hit the delete button. Actually, you probably click the garbage can.
Why not do what I do? Instead of clicking the garbage, I click another folder that I've put on the desktop and the unwanted email goes in there.
Then this kid that you hire at ten bucks an hour comes in once a day, goes to that folder, and pastes a form letter reply to the writer. If you really want to get fancy, you can leave blanks in the form reply for the name of the potential author, the name of the manuscript. If you do nothing but cut, paste, and send, it should take the kid less than an hour to get through the folder of 25 rejections. Two hours at the very most. Plan on three.
Ten bucks an hour for easy work is $30 a day. That's $150 a week or $600 a month. That means over a year, you're spending $7200 to keep yourself from looking like a complete asshole who doesn't answer their email.
I'll bet you spent more than $30 the last time you went out to eat and all it did was make your ass a little bigger.
"SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS!" I hear some agents screaming. That means you have to make one $50,000 deal to pay for the kid. And if you didn't do that much, then either you need to be answering the email yourself, or finding another profession.
I ran across a listing the other day for McGregor Literary Agency and they were boasting about how they had sold 30 titles in the past year. Thirty books ain't bad, McGee, er ah, McGregor! Then they go on a little later in the listing to espouse the same bullshit as above: Sorry... we can't afford to hire the staff (they actually said that!!!) to respond to every email query we get.
So make up my mind. Did you sell 30 titles or not? Did you get any kind of advance on any of them? If you're selling that much (I should emphasize the word IF), then you can afford some broke college kid who would be overjoyed at the chance to earn $150 a week.
And if you can't, then I wouldn't want you as an agent anyway.
What's that? There's another AAR that has to do with literary agents? Oh.
I'm sure those AAR agents have nothing to do with the one's I'm talking about.
The Autocratic, Arrogant, and Rude agents that I'm referring to are the ones who don't answer queries.
You may have seen their listings. They says stuff like, "Due to the amount of queries we receive, we are not able to respond to each and every one. If we are interested in your work, we'll contact you. If you don't hear from us in six weeks, assume that we are passing."
What autocratic,arrogant, rude fucking assoholes.
When I see an agent with some form of this bullshit spewed in their listing, I can only think there's one reason they can be so rude.
They must not have made enough sales in the past year to hire some kid at ten bucks an hour to reply to email!
I did a little research on this. I called several agencies (14 to be exact) and asked them how many email queries they receive per month. Not a one of them would give me an answer other than "a lot," or "a bunch," One person who answered the phone said, "too many," while another said, "more than I can count."
I tried a different tact. "Would you consider 200 to be a lot?" Not really, was the consensus. How about 300? Five hundred?
All 14 agencies agreed that 500 would be a lot of queries. So, I'm going to use that number to work with here.
If an agency receives 500 queries a month, and you consider there's 20 working days in a month, that means that they get an average of 25 queries per day. If you're a one person agency, that might be a little overwhelming. If you spend two minutes reading each query (because some of them you're not going to get all the way through anyway), that means you're spending about an hour a day doing nothing but reading queries.
What the hell are you doing the other seven hours?
Oh yeah, working with clients, trying to sell to publishers, and all that other agent stuff.
So do you just leave those 25 hanging?
No. After you read the email, you've got to do something with it, right? If you don't want to represent the writer, then you hit the delete button. Actually, you probably click the garbage can.
Why not do what I do? Instead of clicking the garbage, I click another folder that I've put on the desktop and the unwanted email goes in there.
Then this kid that you hire at ten bucks an hour comes in once a day, goes to that folder, and pastes a form letter reply to the writer. If you really want to get fancy, you can leave blanks in the form reply for the name of the potential author, the name of the manuscript. If you do nothing but cut, paste, and send, it should take the kid less than an hour to get through the folder of 25 rejections. Two hours at the very most. Plan on three.
Ten bucks an hour for easy work is $30 a day. That's $150 a week or $600 a month. That means over a year, you're spending $7200 to keep yourself from looking like a complete asshole who doesn't answer their email.
I'll bet you spent more than $30 the last time you went out to eat and all it did was make your ass a little bigger.
"SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS!" I hear some agents screaming. That means you have to make one $50,000 deal to pay for the kid. And if you didn't do that much, then either you need to be answering the email yourself, or finding another profession.
I ran across a listing the other day for McGregor Literary Agency and they were boasting about how they had sold 30 titles in the past year. Thirty books ain't bad, McGee, er ah, McGregor! Then they go on a little later in the listing to espouse the same bullshit as above: Sorry... we can't afford to hire the staff (they actually said that!!!) to respond to every email query we get.
So make up my mind. Did you sell 30 titles or not? Did you get any kind of advance on any of them? If you're selling that much (I should emphasize the word IF), then you can afford some broke college kid who would be overjoyed at the chance to earn $150 a week.
And if you can't, then I wouldn't want you as an agent anyway.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
The Epitome of a Lazy Ass Agent
I was going through the new edition of the 2013 Guide to Literary Agents this afternoon and came across a listing for possibly the laziest agent I've found for a while.
Ashley Grayson Literary Agency has this in the listing (my comments are in color):
"We prefer to work with published (traditional print), established authors. Well La-de-Da! I prefer people who don't ride around on high horses. I prefer living in a mansion. But I put up with what I get. You should too. We will give first consideration to authors who come recommended to us by our clients or other publishing professionals. We accept a very small number of new, previously unpublished authors. The agency is temporarily closed to queries from writers who are not published at book length (self-published or print on demand do not count). Good. Go ahead and take a shot at those who have to self publish because some stuck up, agent who prefers to work with PUBLISHED authors is too good to read their manuscript. There are only three exceptions to this policy: (1) Unpublished authors who have received an offer from a reputable publisher, who need an agent before beginning contract negotiations Are you kidding me? We'll still look down our nose at you if you have an offer, but sure, we'll make an exception and represent you. We'll take an easy 15% for doing fucking NOTHING. Afterward, you're back to being pondscum and maybe we'll represent you in the future, maybe not (it depends on if you've already gone out and busted your ass to find a publisher or not); (2) Authors who are recommended by a published author, editor or agent who has read the work in question; (3)Authors whom we have met at conferences and from whom we have requested submissions. Authors who are recognized within their field or area may still query with proposals. We are seeking more mysteries and thrillers. We're seeking mysteries and thrillers PROVIDING you show up at our doorstep with your own publisher.... and it can't be one of those damn vanity publishers or print on demand publishers either because they don't count, na-na-na-na boo boo!"
My dad always used to tell me, "You have to be nice to people on your way up the ladder because they're the ones you pass on the way down." I'll be sure to wave nicely at this agent as she falls by me on that ladder. Buh-bye!
Ashley Grayson Literary Agency has this in the listing (my comments are in color):
"We prefer to work with published (traditional print), established authors. Well La-de-Da! I prefer people who don't ride around on high horses. I prefer living in a mansion. But I put up with what I get. You should too. We will give first consideration to authors who come recommended to us by our clients or other publishing professionals. We accept a very small number of new, previously unpublished authors. The agency is temporarily closed to queries from writers who are not published at book length (self-published or print on demand do not count). Good. Go ahead and take a shot at those who have to self publish because some stuck up, agent who prefers to work with PUBLISHED authors is too good to read their manuscript. There are only three exceptions to this policy: (1) Unpublished authors who have received an offer from a reputable publisher, who need an agent before beginning contract negotiations Are you kidding me? We'll still look down our nose at you if you have an offer, but sure, we'll make an exception and represent you. We'll take an easy 15% for doing fucking NOTHING. Afterward, you're back to being pondscum and maybe we'll represent you in the future, maybe not (it depends on if you've already gone out and busted your ass to find a publisher or not); (2) Authors who are recommended by a published author, editor or agent who has read the work in question; (3)Authors whom we have met at conferences and from whom we have requested submissions. Authors who are recognized within their field or area may still query with proposals. We are seeking more mysteries and thrillers. We're seeking mysteries and thrillers PROVIDING you show up at our doorstep with your own publisher.... and it can't be one of those damn vanity publishers or print on demand publishers either because they don't count, na-na-na-na boo boo!"
My dad always used to tell me, "You have to be nice to people on your way up the ladder because they're the ones you pass on the way down." I'll be sure to wave nicely at this agent as she falls by me on that ladder. Buh-bye!
Do as I say, not as I do.....
Probably the thing that pisses me off most about agents is their smug attitude when it comes to dealing with us lowly writers. Here's something I ran across the other day. The bold underlined parts are my emphasis.
Please note that we have a full client list and are only
considering a few new clients a year. If you are interested in representation,
please send a personalized query letter including a short biography citing your
prior publishing credits, your media experience, and an overview or the first 5
pages of your manuscript in the body of the email to XXXXXXX@lindachester.com.
Query emails sent to personal agency addresses will not be reviewed.
Unfortunately, due to the overwhelming number of queries we receive, we can no
longer respond to each one. We will contact you within four weeks if we are
interested in your material. Snail mail submissions will not be reviewed.
Okay, so what you're saying is you want us to give you the respect to PERSONALIZE our query to you, but you don't have the courtesy to send us back a rejection if you don't like it. That takes a lot of gall if you ask me. There should be an addendum that says, "Treat me like a fucking queen and I'll treat you like the shitty peasant you are."
If I'm going to take the time to write a fucking personalized letter to you assholes, you better take the time to say (at the very least), "no thanks."
If I'm going to take the time to write a fucking personalized letter to you assholes, you better take the time to say (at the very least), "no thanks."
What a bunch of lazy-ass, primadonnna losers.
Monday, September 10, 2012
AGENT IN FOCUS
Marcia Amsterdam Agency
41 West 82nd Street, Suite 9A
New York, NY 10024
Marcia still lives in the dark ages of snail mail. That was fine because when I sent her a query, I wasn't a big fan of email myself.
She replied within a few days. That was impressive. My own query letter came back to me with handwritten instructions. She wanted to see the ENTIRE manuscript. I should include the query with her handwritten request so that she would know it was requested material.
Since the manuscript was over 300 pages, she suggested FedEx or some other overnight delivery service since that would cost about as much as the postal service. I drove about 40 miles to the nearest FedEx facility and overnighted her my manuscript. That was a Tuesday.
She received it on Wednesday.
My SASE that I included was post marked Wednesday as well. I had my reply on Saturday.
Her reply was a rejection slip. It wasn't much. Marcia proved to be a real cheap ass when it comes to replying. The slip was an inch and a half long by four inches long. She had evidently copied it so that 14 of them could fit on a single 8.5 x 11 sheet of paper. Marcia didn't even invest in either a paper cutter or scissors. She fucking tore the slips from the main sheet. Mine had three jagged edges.
Now I don't mind someone being a cheap ass. But when they request material be overnighted to them at a cost of about $15 and then they respond the same day with a shitty rejection slip, then I've got a problem. I'm guessing that she didn't even take the time to read the manuscript but rather just shuttled it off for the recycle bin.
I don't know, but I'd be willing to bet that if she took the time to read a few of the manuscripts she requests, and then actually SOLD one of them, she could afford rejection slips that were a little bit more professional. Heck, maybe she could even afford to have a letterhead so she doesn't have to use authors' queries anymore. Instead, she chose to look like a rank amateur.
I framed her rejection slip. I want to make sure I NEVER have contact with her pennypinching ass again.
Next up.... a little diatribe on agents who are too busy to respond.
Let me start this missive with a point of view that may be like an agent's.
Since computers have become cheap (you can pick up a laptop for under $300 - I used to pay more than that for a decent electric typewriter!), everyone has one. And since most computers come with a word processing program, anyone who can hunt and peck on the keyboard suddenly thinks they're a writer.
WRONG!!!
Right after I got out of college, I had a part time job writing for a local newspaper. I covered some city council meetings and once a week, they let me write a column. It didn't pay very much, and in fact, I had a full time job in retail that paid the bills.
One of my co-workers recognized my name from the newspaper. He told me that his son (who was a little older than me) had written a book and since I was a writer, he'd like me to take a look at it and give him my opinion.
This is a dangerous thing to ask me. I'm very blunt. That pisses off some people.
He brought me his son's manuscript. It was about a divorce. His son's divorce. It turned out to be a memoir of the first year after his wife had asked him for the divorce.
It was horrid.
He started off this way:
I sat outside on the steps, sobbing. Painful, earth moving, heaving sobs, sobs from the soul, sobs that reached deep within my chest and hurt, sobs that tore at my heart, sobs that ran out of tears long ago. They were aching, afflictive, agonizing, arduous, awful, biting, buring, caustic, difficult, dire, excrutiating, terrible, tormenting, vexing sobs.
Okay, okay already. I got it. He was bummed. I understand.
Then I noticed that all the adjectives describing the sobs were in alphabetical order.
He didn't, did he?
I pulled out my thesaurus. Yep. He copied all the synonyms for painful (well, he left out some after he got tired of them himself) and threw them in front of the noun "sobs."
I couldn't get beyond the first two pages. Every noun had a multitude of adjectives to describe it. There were grammatical errors throughout. He seemed to be particularly fond of dangling his participles.
When his father came back to me one night to get my take on the book, I had to be honest. "Tell (your son) he needs to lighten up on the adjectives and not be so fancy with his sentence structure." Based on just THAT, he father got pissed off at me, and I don't think he spoke to me the rest of the time we were employed by that store.
I wonder how he would have taken it if I'd have said, "Your kid can't write worth a shit!" I'd probably have been fitted for dentures.
That was quite a while back. That was when a writer had to be very ambitious to write. See, we didn't have computers then. We had these funny looking things called typewriters. It was like a computer keyboard hooked directly to a printer. You had to insert the paper into a roller above the keyboard and the thing printed ONE LETTER AT A TIME, and it did so as soon as you pressed the letter on the keyboard.
Oh yeah.... you had to press REALLY hard for the letter to print, especially if the typewriter wasn't electric.
If you made a mistake, you couldn't just press the delete button or highlight the error with your mouse. You had to either use a little bottle of paint (called White Out), or a correction strip that covered up the letter with a chalky white substance that made your paper look like crap.
Of course, after you got done filling the first page with words, you pulled the paper out and looked at it. If you found mistakes, it meant you got to type the whole freakin' thing over again because there was no way you could paint over the word and line it up perfectly to type over the paint.
Most people who thought of themselves as potential writers/authors just gave up at this point. Some lasted a couple rounds with retyping and editing, but most just said, "Screw it," and decided to do something easier like brain surgery or rocket science or something.
But now, everyone thinks they can write, because it takes less effort.
Witness a situation, again several years ago.
I was finishing up my Master's, working full time and going to school part time. I had to support my family. My boss, this time at a restaurant where I was employed, knew I was working on my Master's and asked me to take a look at a manuscript written by his daughter. He described it as a "first rate mystery." He and I had talked about novels several times during my employment with him and we had similar tastes. He was highly critical of some novels, and our tastes ran parallel to each other, so I agreed to take a look, thinking that his judgement wouldn't be clouded because it was his daughter's manuacript.
He was right. It was a first rate mystery. The mystery was trying to locate the plot.
She told the story from a third person omnipotent point of view. You want to talk about omnipotent? This girl told you the inner thoughts of each and every character, even if they were just a character relegated to the background of the scene. Instead of letting us discover things about her characters through their actions or words, she made sure we knew all about them by boring us with stories from their childhood. Her dialogue was stiff and too expository. People just don't talk like she had them talking. For example, she did this:
"Your sister called."
"You mean the one in California who had an abortion last year?"
"No. I mean the one with the raven black hair who dropped out of college to join the Peace Corp, then became a doctor because she was fascinated by the tall, handsome intern she had when she was just 12 years old."
That's not much of an exaggeration. Had I written it, it would have gone like this:
"Your sister called."
"Marge?"
"No. Linda."
If the reader needed to know all the background on Linda, I would have shown it to them later.
I got clear to the end of the manuscript before I discovered that (I am not making this up) zombies were responsible for the deaths in town. NOT ONCE during the entire manuscript had the word "Zombie" been used.
It was awful, but I don't have to tell you that, do I? If I'd have been one of the pages in manuscript, I would have been ashamed to have the ink on me that led to this horrendous writing. If I'd have been the ink, I would have tried to find a way to sneak off the page.
Still, her daddy thought it was great. I'm sure her friends told her the same thing, even if they thought differently. It's really hard for some people to tell someone else that their writing sucks.
It isn't hard for me, and that's what I told her dad. I'll admit, that I made excuses for "not reading it yet" all the way up until I had my Master's Degree in hand, because I wanted to avoid awkward situations at work. When I broke the news to her dad that it needed a MAJOR rewrite, he told me I didn't know what I was talking about and that they had already submitted it to several agents.
NOW you know why some agents are so cranky. If I had to read through shit like this every day, I'd be cranky too.
Oh wait. I DO read shit like this every day. I teach a class in creative writing (in addition to several Lit classes including one on modern novels).
The bottom line is this: I understand that agents are besieged with unsolicited query letters and manuscripts and that most of what they get is slightly less appealing than sewer water. But you know what? THEY are the ones who CHOSE that job. Reading the shit in the slush pile goes right along with finding the next Tom Clancy or the next J. K. Rowling.
And even if they do receive a manuscript that looks like one of the two above, what's the harm in sending out a quick email that says, "Thanks, but no thanks"?
Next time, we'll take a look at one agent in particular who enters our Agent Hall of Shame. See you then, same Bat-time, same Bat-blog.
Since computers have become cheap (you can pick up a laptop for under $300 - I used to pay more than that for a decent electric typewriter!), everyone has one. And since most computers come with a word processing program, anyone who can hunt and peck on the keyboard suddenly thinks they're a writer.
WRONG!!!
Right after I got out of college, I had a part time job writing for a local newspaper. I covered some city council meetings and once a week, they let me write a column. It didn't pay very much, and in fact, I had a full time job in retail that paid the bills.
One of my co-workers recognized my name from the newspaper. He told me that his son (who was a little older than me) had written a book and since I was a writer, he'd like me to take a look at it and give him my opinion.
This is a dangerous thing to ask me. I'm very blunt. That pisses off some people.
He brought me his son's manuscript. It was about a divorce. His son's divorce. It turned out to be a memoir of the first year after his wife had asked him for the divorce.
It was horrid.
He started off this way:
I sat outside on the steps, sobbing. Painful, earth moving, heaving sobs, sobs from the soul, sobs that reached deep within my chest and hurt, sobs that tore at my heart, sobs that ran out of tears long ago. They were aching, afflictive, agonizing, arduous, awful, biting, buring, caustic, difficult, dire, excrutiating, terrible, tormenting, vexing sobs.
Okay, okay already. I got it. He was bummed. I understand.
Then I noticed that all the adjectives describing the sobs were in alphabetical order.
He didn't, did he?
I pulled out my thesaurus. Yep. He copied all the synonyms for painful (well, he left out some after he got tired of them himself) and threw them in front of the noun "sobs."
I couldn't get beyond the first two pages. Every noun had a multitude of adjectives to describe it. There were grammatical errors throughout. He seemed to be particularly fond of dangling his participles.
When his father came back to me one night to get my take on the book, I had to be honest. "Tell (your son) he needs to lighten up on the adjectives and not be so fancy with his sentence structure." Based on just THAT, he father got pissed off at me, and I don't think he spoke to me the rest of the time we were employed by that store.
I wonder how he would have taken it if I'd have said, "Your kid can't write worth a shit!" I'd probably have been fitted for dentures.
That was quite a while back. That was when a writer had to be very ambitious to write. See, we didn't have computers then. We had these funny looking things called typewriters. It was like a computer keyboard hooked directly to a printer. You had to insert the paper into a roller above the keyboard and the thing printed ONE LETTER AT A TIME, and it did so as soon as you pressed the letter on the keyboard.
Oh yeah.... you had to press REALLY hard for the letter to print, especially if the typewriter wasn't electric.
If you made a mistake, you couldn't just press the delete button or highlight the error with your mouse. You had to either use a little bottle of paint (called White Out), or a correction strip that covered up the letter with a chalky white substance that made your paper look like crap.
Of course, after you got done filling the first page with words, you pulled the paper out and looked at it. If you found mistakes, it meant you got to type the whole freakin' thing over again because there was no way you could paint over the word and line it up perfectly to type over the paint.
Most people who thought of themselves as potential writers/authors just gave up at this point. Some lasted a couple rounds with retyping and editing, but most just said, "Screw it," and decided to do something easier like brain surgery or rocket science or something.
But now, everyone thinks they can write, because it takes less effort.
Witness a situation, again several years ago.
I was finishing up my Master's, working full time and going to school part time. I had to support my family. My boss, this time at a restaurant where I was employed, knew I was working on my Master's and asked me to take a look at a manuscript written by his daughter. He described it as a "first rate mystery." He and I had talked about novels several times during my employment with him and we had similar tastes. He was highly critical of some novels, and our tastes ran parallel to each other, so I agreed to take a look, thinking that his judgement wouldn't be clouded because it was his daughter's manuacript.
He was right. It was a first rate mystery. The mystery was trying to locate the plot.
She told the story from a third person omnipotent point of view. You want to talk about omnipotent? This girl told you the inner thoughts of each and every character, even if they were just a character relegated to the background of the scene. Instead of letting us discover things about her characters through their actions or words, she made sure we knew all about them by boring us with stories from their childhood. Her dialogue was stiff and too expository. People just don't talk like she had them talking. For example, she did this:
"Your sister called."
"You mean the one in California who had an abortion last year?"
"No. I mean the one with the raven black hair who dropped out of college to join the Peace Corp, then became a doctor because she was fascinated by the tall, handsome intern she had when she was just 12 years old."
That's not much of an exaggeration. Had I written it, it would have gone like this:
"Your sister called."
"Marge?"
"No. Linda."
If the reader needed to know all the background on Linda, I would have shown it to them later.
I got clear to the end of the manuscript before I discovered that (I am not making this up) zombies were responsible for the deaths in town. NOT ONCE during the entire manuscript had the word "Zombie" been used.
It was awful, but I don't have to tell you that, do I? If I'd have been one of the pages in manuscript, I would have been ashamed to have the ink on me that led to this horrendous writing. If I'd have been the ink, I would have tried to find a way to sneak off the page.
Still, her daddy thought it was great. I'm sure her friends told her the same thing, even if they thought differently. It's really hard for some people to tell someone else that their writing sucks.
It isn't hard for me, and that's what I told her dad. I'll admit, that I made excuses for "not reading it yet" all the way up until I had my Master's Degree in hand, because I wanted to avoid awkward situations at work. When I broke the news to her dad that it needed a MAJOR rewrite, he told me I didn't know what I was talking about and that they had already submitted it to several agents.
NOW you know why some agents are so cranky. If I had to read through shit like this every day, I'd be cranky too.
Oh wait. I DO read shit like this every day. I teach a class in creative writing (in addition to several Lit classes including one on modern novels).
The bottom line is this: I understand that agents are besieged with unsolicited query letters and manuscripts and that most of what they get is slightly less appealing than sewer water. But you know what? THEY are the ones who CHOSE that job. Reading the shit in the slush pile goes right along with finding the next Tom Clancy or the next J. K. Rowling.
And even if they do receive a manuscript that looks like one of the two above, what's the harm in sending out a quick email that says, "Thanks, but no thanks"?
Next time, we'll take a look at one agent in particular who enters our Agent Hall of Shame. See you then, same Bat-time, same Bat-blog.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
First Things First
I'm an angry author.
Well, not really.
To be an author, you have to have written something. Then that something has to have been published.
I've written plenty. But none of it has been published.
Stuff must be lousy, huh?
Well, I dunno. Almost everyone who reads it seems to enjoy it. My writing instructor at college gave me an A and told me I had a big future ahead of me. One of his books was on the NY Times Bestsellers List, so I don't think he had any reason to lie to me.
So why isn't my stuff published?
Two words: Stinkin' Literary Agents.
Okay, that was three. At least I didn't use the "F" word.
I am in the process of trying to find a literary agent. I don't have much use for them (to tell you the truth) because most of them that I've met (probably a dozen or so at writer's conferences) are stuck up snobs with an overinflated opinion of themselves. They KNOW that 95% of publishers won't look at an unagented manuscript which means THEY are the only hope you have of being published. Because of that, they expect you to kiss their ass as they sit on their high horse. That lets them know that you're there, bothering them, and they can brush you away like yesterday's dust.
Now I know that with the advent of the internet, agents are now besieged with queries and unsolicited manuscripts because now that everyone has a computer, everyone thinks they can write (we'll talk more about that later). That doesn't give anyone the right to be rude, but most agents didn't get the memo on that.
This blog is going to name names and keep you up to date on my agent search. I'm a coward for the most part, so I'm going to hide behind my pseudonym of Billy Shakespeare and my email address of anangryauthor@gmail.com. Agents hold a grudge, so I'll do everything I can to protect my identity so I won't be blackballed in the publishing world. I've been submitting to agents for more than a year, keeping copious records on each, and I'm going to share that with you. I'll let you know how long it took for them to respond, if they sent a form letter, if it was personal, or if it just sounded personal.
For the asswipes who claim to be "to busy" (read that as "too fucking lazy") to answer their email, I'm going to let you know about them too... and I'll be even more rude than they were when they didn't respond.
Hang on folks..... it's gonna be a fun ride.
I'm an angry author.
Well, not really.
To be an author, you have to have written something. Then that something has to have been published.
I've written plenty. But none of it has been published.
Stuff must be lousy, huh?
Well, I dunno. Almost everyone who reads it seems to enjoy it. My writing instructor at college gave me an A and told me I had a big future ahead of me. One of his books was on the NY Times Bestsellers List, so I don't think he had any reason to lie to me.
So why isn't my stuff published?
Two words: Stinkin' Literary Agents.
Okay, that was three. At least I didn't use the "F" word.
I am in the process of trying to find a literary agent. I don't have much use for them (to tell you the truth) because most of them that I've met (probably a dozen or so at writer's conferences) are stuck up snobs with an overinflated opinion of themselves. They KNOW that 95% of publishers won't look at an unagented manuscript which means THEY are the only hope you have of being published. Because of that, they expect you to kiss their ass as they sit on their high horse. That lets them know that you're there, bothering them, and they can brush you away like yesterday's dust.
Now I know that with the advent of the internet, agents are now besieged with queries and unsolicited manuscripts because now that everyone has a computer, everyone thinks they can write (we'll talk more about that later). That doesn't give anyone the right to be rude, but most agents didn't get the memo on that.
This blog is going to name names and keep you up to date on my agent search. I'm a coward for the most part, so I'm going to hide behind my pseudonym of Billy Shakespeare and my email address of anangryauthor@gmail.com. Agents hold a grudge, so I'll do everything I can to protect my identity so I won't be blackballed in the publishing world. I've been submitting to agents for more than a year, keeping copious records on each, and I'm going to share that with you. I'll let you know how long it took for them to respond, if they sent a form letter, if it was personal, or if it just sounded personal.
For the asswipes who claim to be "to busy" (read that as "too fucking lazy") to answer their email, I'm going to let you know about them too... and I'll be even more rude than they were when they didn't respond.
Hang on folks..... it's gonna be a fun ride.
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