It's been a while, but I've been busy reading and grading. Unlike the lazy fuckers who call themselves literary agents, I answer all my mail on a daily basis.
I just haven't had time to blog.
That's okay because I wanted to give all the queries we sent out 90 days to either elicit a response, or be ignored. To tell you the truth, I'm shocked, absolutely SHOCKED at the response (or lack thereof) from literary agents.
It's going to take some time to put the list together, but we'll take a look, mainly at the lazy cocksuckers who didn't feel it was worth their time to at least say, "No thanks."
More soon.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Monday, October 8, 2012
The Game is Afoot!
Students reported today that more than 200 emails have gone out to prospective agents to see who will respond and how.
Updates to follow soon.
Updates to follow soon.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Another Assignment for the Class
Things are going well, according to the students, on the email assignment. I believe that more than 400 emails have been sent to potential agents. A few replies have been received already, but we'll cover those all at once.
We will be setting up a HALL OF SHAME for agents who are too busy to reply to email queries. We'll allow agents EIGHT WEEKS to respond before they make the list. Anyone who responds after being inducted into the HALL will be removed, but will receive a special induction into the Procrastinator's Wing of the Hall.
Meanwhile, I sent my class out on a little bit of an assignment. Here's what I had them do.
1. Go to the Library.
2. Pick out four books, all fiction.
a) one must be from the current NY Times or USA Today bestseller list
b) one must be from their favorite author
c) one must be chosen at random from the shelves
d) one must be chosen at random from the new books shelf (published in the last four months)
3. Photocopy the first page. Look at the first paragraph.
4. For each book, tell me from the first page only, WHY this book got published.
See, in my class, we not only WRITE fiction, we study fiction and publishing as well.
Those assignments are due next week. I'll let you know how the kids did.
We will be setting up a HALL OF SHAME for agents who are too busy to reply to email queries. We'll allow agents EIGHT WEEKS to respond before they make the list. Anyone who responds after being inducted into the HALL will be removed, but will receive a special induction into the Procrastinator's Wing of the Hall.
Meanwhile, I sent my class out on a little bit of an assignment. Here's what I had them do.
1. Go to the Library.
2. Pick out four books, all fiction.
a) one must be from the current NY Times or USA Today bestseller list
b) one must be from their favorite author
c) one must be chosen at random from the shelves
d) one must be chosen at random from the new books shelf (published in the last four months)
3. Photocopy the first page. Look at the first paragraph.
4. For each book, tell me from the first page only, WHY this book got published.
See, in my class, we not only WRITE fiction, we study fiction and publishing as well.
Those assignments are due next week. I'll let you know how the kids did.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
FOREWARD
These posts are here in reverse chronological order. It makes more
sense if you go back to the first one (down there at the bottom of the
page) and work upward. I'm not sure if there's a way to get this blog
to do that or not, but I'm going to try.
Writer's Digest
When I bought the latest copy of Guide to Literary Agents, I removed a scratch off thing from the inside front cover to reveal a code to allow me 12 months access to online updates of the book. I certainly HOPE they update it because, despite the fact that it's been on the bookstore bookshelves less than a month, it's horribly out of date already! Some students have reported that agents listed in there are either out of business, or that the emails they send bounce right back. More on this in later posts.
Back to the access to online updates.
IMMEDIATELY after I signed up for the updates, Writer's Digest, those trolls who publish a monthly magazine dedicated to making people think they're better writers than what they are, and the people who published the Guide (as well as other self help writing books) have absolutely inundated me with advertisements for the shit they sell. Every day, there's at least one new offer, if not two or three. Magazine publishing may not be going so well nowadays, but these fuckheads have found a way to make up for that.
They sell overpriced software that will help you plot a book. They sell books to help you name your characters. They sell webinars that do everything from help you write the fucking book to finding a literary agent to publishing it yourself (once every agent has turned down your drivel). Man, they've covered every base possible!
Today's bullshit is a book by Donald Maass. The ad I got is below.
Mr. Maass is one of those people who doesn't know what he wants to do when he grows up. He's supposedly a prominent literary agent, but he's also one of those who claims to be VERY busy, donchaknow. Evidently, instead of representing authors, he's busy penning books for the Writer's Digest people. He's listed as author of three other books on how to write.
Maybe he should turn the reigns of his agency over to someone who actually cares about the people they represent so he can devote all his time to sloshing out this pigslop for the WD people.
Just a thought.
One of my colleagues here at school used to work for Writer's Digest. He was an evaluator for one of their writing courses. Some day, I'll either tell you his story, or I'll have him do a guest blog on it. For now, let's just say that I hope you haven't spent any of your hard earned money on their course.
Back to the access to online updates.
IMMEDIATELY after I signed up for the updates, Writer's Digest, those trolls who publish a monthly magazine dedicated to making people think they're better writers than what they are, and the people who published the Guide (as well as other self help writing books) have absolutely inundated me with advertisements for the shit they sell. Every day, there's at least one new offer, if not two or three. Magazine publishing may not be going so well nowadays, but these fuckheads have found a way to make up for that.
They sell overpriced software that will help you plot a book. They sell books to help you name your characters. They sell webinars that do everything from help you write the fucking book to finding a literary agent to publishing it yourself (once every agent has turned down your drivel). Man, they've covered every base possible!
Today's bullshit is a book by Donald Maass. The ad I got is below.
Retail: $16.99 Your Price: $10.63 |
Writing 21st Century Fiction Does your novel belong on the best-seller lists with The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins, A Feast for Crows by George R. R. Martin, and Changes by Jim Butcher? With this new book from best-selling author Donald Maass, you'll uncover your authentic writing voice, and put it to use writing high impact fiction. In each chapter, you'll uncover practical tools to use in your writing that will:
|
Maybe he should turn the reigns of his agency over to someone who actually cares about the people they represent so he can devote all his time to sloshing out this pigslop for the WD people.
Just a thought.
One of my colleagues here at school used to work for Writer's Digest. He was an evaluator for one of their writing courses. Some day, I'll either tell you his story, or I'll have him do a guest blog on it. For now, let's just say that I hope you haven't spent any of your hard earned money on their course.
Some thoughts on the assignment
It's been a busy weekend. Sometimes I take time off to be with family and friends and I leave writing and school far behind. It helps to recharge the batteries, so to speak.
A note on the assignment I gave to my students concerning query letters.
Some agents ask for the first ten pages of the novel. Some ask for the first chapter. Some ask for three chapters or 50 pages. What to do, what to do, what to do?
Easy. We took an obscure thriller, published in 1973, changed the names of the characters and used that as our novel. Since it is a published novel, and one that was a New York Times Bestseller, we know it's publishable. We know it's good (we also checked reviews from the time period and for the most part, they were favorable).
I should also tell you this: The kids in the class are absolutely giddy about this assignment. They want to know which agents are assholes as well. As of this afternoon's class, about half of the queries have been sent. We had only a minor glitch with one student who sent out several emails, only to have them stopped by the fine folks at Hotmail who thought he was spamming people. That issue has been resolved and we're off and running.
One interesting note so far. Now I can't tell you the name of the agent (YET) because I'm only relating what the student told me. The student sent off the query letter at 10:30 PM on Saturday night. He had a poorly worded rejection in his inbox at 10:47 the same night. I'm guessing that the agent may have been a little influenced by liquid motivators in making his or her decision. As soon as the student's report comes back in, I'll let you know who it was, and possible post the actual email.
Stay tuned. We're gonna have fun.
A note on the assignment I gave to my students concerning query letters.
Some agents ask for the first ten pages of the novel. Some ask for the first chapter. Some ask for three chapters or 50 pages. What to do, what to do, what to do?
Easy. We took an obscure thriller, published in 1973, changed the names of the characters and used that as our novel. Since it is a published novel, and one that was a New York Times Bestseller, we know it's publishable. We know it's good (we also checked reviews from the time period and for the most part, they were favorable).
I should also tell you this: The kids in the class are absolutely giddy about this assignment. They want to know which agents are assholes as well. As of this afternoon's class, about half of the queries have been sent. We had only a minor glitch with one student who sent out several emails, only to have them stopped by the fine folks at Hotmail who thought he was spamming people. That issue has been resolved and we're off and running.
One interesting note so far. Now I can't tell you the name of the agent (YET) because I'm only relating what the student told me. The student sent off the query letter at 10:30 PM on Saturday night. He had a poorly worded rejection in his inbox at 10:47 the same night. I'm guessing that the agent may have been a little influenced by liquid motivators in making his or her decision. As soon as the student's report comes back in, I'll let you know who it was, and possible post the actual email.
Stay tuned. We're gonna have fun.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
It's Gettin' Deep In Here!
Watch your step. You might step in some bullshit.
Today's entry will take a look at an agency that caters to the Christian Market. They're looking for inspirational books that will make a difference. They are the MacGregor Agency.
I'm not sure if they read the same Bible that I do, but mine says that I shouldn't ought to "bear false witness against (my) neighbor." To make it a little more palpable: DON'T LIE!
To read their website, you'd think that when Jesus returns to Earth, He will visit them first and give them an award for getting potential bestsellers into the hands of publishers. Mr. MacGregor claims that just one of his agents managed to place 30 books last year! That's remarkable!
Now I've mentioned this agency elsewhere in the blog, but I just now got a chance to really investigate their company.
They're the agency that CLAIM to have one agent with 30 manuscripts sold last year, yet can't afford the staff to reply to email queries. If they can't afford the staff, then either they DIDN'T sell those 30 manuscripts, or they sold each one for about a buck and a half each.
Looking a little further on their site, I came across this:
MacGregor Literary works primarily with established authors. At this time we are not looking to add unpublished authors except through conferences and referrals from current clients.
Regretfully, we cannot invest in the staffing needed to handle the vast number of unsolicited queries and proposals that have begun flooding in. For that reason we will no longer return unsolicited manuscripts sent to us, even if a self-addressed stamped envelope is included.
Holy fucking cow, you cheap ass motherfuckers! Not only are you rude, you're also un-fucking-believably LAZY! Who in the Wide World of Sports could possibly want a group like this to represent them? I mean, here we have a whole bevy of agents claiming to help their clients, just as long as the client has done the hard work of becoming published FIRST! Then they have the unmitigated gall to tell us that if they don't like our query, they're not going to answer. NOT EVEN IF WE INCLUDE A SASE!
These assholes are so stuck on themselves that they can't even bother to use a self addressed stamped envelope to reply to potential authors.
I read the Bible too. Mine says that I should treat people as I want to be treated. I guess that means that the MacGregor Agency wants people to treat them as pondscum.
Your wish is my command. Take your agency and shove it up your ass.
Today's entry will take a look at an agency that caters to the Christian Market. They're looking for inspirational books that will make a difference. They are the MacGregor Agency.
I'm not sure if they read the same Bible that I do, but mine says that I shouldn't ought to "bear false witness against (my) neighbor." To make it a little more palpable: DON'T LIE!
To read their website, you'd think that when Jesus returns to Earth, He will visit them first and give them an award for getting potential bestsellers into the hands of publishers. Mr. MacGregor claims that just one of his agents managed to place 30 books last year! That's remarkable!
Now I've mentioned this agency elsewhere in the blog, but I just now got a chance to really investigate their company.
They're the agency that CLAIM to have one agent with 30 manuscripts sold last year, yet can't afford the staff to reply to email queries. If they can't afford the staff, then either they DIDN'T sell those 30 manuscripts, or they sold each one for about a buck and a half each.
Looking a little further on their site, I came across this:
MacGregor Literary works primarily with established authors. At this time we are not looking to add unpublished authors except through conferences and referrals from current clients.
Regretfully, we cannot invest in the staffing needed to handle the vast number of unsolicited queries and proposals that have begun flooding in. For that reason we will no longer return unsolicited manuscripts sent to us, even if a self-addressed stamped envelope is included.
Holy fucking cow, you cheap ass motherfuckers! Not only are you rude, you're also un-fucking-believably LAZY! Who in the Wide World of Sports could possibly want a group like this to represent them? I mean, here we have a whole bevy of agents claiming to help their clients, just as long as the client has done the hard work of becoming published FIRST! Then they have the unmitigated gall to tell us that if they don't like our query, they're not going to answer. NOT EVEN IF WE INCLUDE A SASE!
These assholes are so stuck on themselves that they can't even bother to use a self addressed stamped envelope to reply to potential authors.
I read the Bible too. Mine says that I should treat people as I want to be treated. I guess that means that the MacGregor Agency wants people to treat them as pondscum.
Your wish is my command. Take your agency and shove it up your ass.
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